Reasons why I have television

In Uncategorized on February 8, 2013 at 12:34 AM

Maybe this should’ve been called “Reasons Why I Should NOT Have a Television”….. As any American does, I watch a lot of TV. Because of that, I can no longer watch it,  and here’s why.

When the Kool-Aide Man bursts through a wall and shouts “OH YEAH!” how does he not hit a stud? Does he know that mist houses are spaced sixteen inches on center? Does he carry an invisible measuring tape with him? How does he know he wont hit a wire and electrocute himself? Does he have access to the blueprints and electrical diagrams to every building in the world? What if he does his a stud, would he break and die?

How does SpongeBob build a fire underwater? His does he have electricity in Bikini Bottom and how does he drown in a lagoon in said location. Also how us every member of his family a natural sea sponge, and he is the only kitchen sponge? Are the characters of Bikini Bottom the only inhabitants of their species? How and why did Plankton marry a super smart computer wife? And for that matter, if wants a damn Krabby Patty,  why not just buy one? The menu says that they are only $2!

In Tenacious D’s film “The Pick of Destiny” when young JB leaves home, do his über religious family go looking for him? The film never says anything of his family after the late Ronnie James Dio tells him to go to Hollywood …this has plagued me for many moons.

In Pokémon am I the only one who wonders how they can eat Pokémon and train them? It must be like how we humans raise animals as pets and food. That is the only explanation that I can fathom. Also, his has Ash stayed ten for almost, if not more than, fifteen years? Also, his did Pikachu drop so much weight between seasons one and seasons two?

In the Fairly Odd Parents, how does his father keep his job if he is a bumbling fool? Not to mention that no one knows that stuff just happens and then didn’t happen… I have the same problem with the Power Rangers. How did they manage to destroy the entire town of Sunnyvale and no one was calling for them to pay the city damages, or try to arrest them. I also have to ask how they managed to destroy the same stretch of city and no one ever died. How many tines did the same office buildings get demolished by the enemy and the Megazord in that show? Just think about the poor sap who decided to work late that night. I can only imagine that business where fleeing Sunnyvale after long. And for that matter, why did no one ever ask where all of these monsters came from? They just sorta showed up and destroyed the town and then poof gone. What the firetruck?

I have a basic understanding of the world of physics so maybe that is the crux of the issue; physics have ruined the realm of ‘make believe’ for me. Speaking of make believe, did Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor? I would be remiss if I did not ask why, in the neighbourhood of make believe, did he put the castle of King Friday RIGHT NEXT TO THE TEAIN TRACKS? It’s his imaginary land, there could’ve been a dinosaur or two, or some lasers and some explosions, or an assassination attempt on the king, not just a handful of puppets. Also, how pedo was the name “Mr. McFeely? ” if I had that name or knew someone with that name, I would get a really cool nickname, or use my given name. Hell Dong is a better name thatn Mr. McFeely. What happened to Mrs. Rogers? Did Fred Rogers kill her in his imagination?  Did she leave to join King Friday and his harem of girls?

Scooby-Doo is another show that irritates me. How did the gang not know that Shaggy was a pot head who was so stoned out of his mind that he thought he talked to his dog and that Fred and Daphne where shagging at every chance they got? Was Velma the only smart one in the group? Also, how was it that they debunked a billion ghots and yet Shag and Scoobe where STILL AFRAID OF THEM? Seriously Norville, lay off of the pot a while; I get that it was the ’70s but enough is enough!

Yes, I realize that the examples I gave are all from the realm of television and thus not subject to the laws of the real world, but at some point a creator or writer or someone had to ask ‘what the frak are we doing? If you have any problems to add, or just want to tell me to lay off of the TV a while, shoot me a comment or a message. Thanks all for reading this rant


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