Movies aren’t entertaining

In Movies, Rants on February 16, 2013 at 4:16 AM

As I sit her penning this entry, I cannot help but wonder if Hollywood gas run out of original ideas. This is not a new trend, as Hollywood has always taken one media and made it into a movie. The greatest movie, Casablanca, was a stage play that got ok reviews, and the producers bought the Riggs to make a movie from it.

The major complaint that I have is this: Hollywood is relaunching old franchises and trying to make new ones. Brandon Routh was supposed to be the new Superman, but after Superman Returns failed, he was never seen again. This year, the folks over at DC Comics are trying it again…….and from what I have read, I will not be anticipating this movie. Another failed venture was Friday the 13th. The Jason Vorhees Slasher piece was great in the 80’s but bombed when they took that kid from Supernatural (who no one bought as a teen) and pairs him with Willa Ford and threw them into Camp Crystal Lake. If they had bothered to watch the original, they would’ve known that Jason’s mother was the original killer, and we didn’t see Jason until the end of he first movie. Not to mention that he didn’t get his trademarked hockey goaltender’s mask until the third movie …..

Hollywood also tried to take television shows and tried (and failed) to make them into movies, none of which had any connection to the original source material. The Dukes of Hazzard is one that springs to mind. In the original, Bo and Luke where on probation for running shine (illegal grain alcohol) and Uncle Jessie somehow got the feds to take that probation in exchange for not arresting the family. In the movie, Bert Reynolds played Boss Hogg. Already a disaster of a casting idea. Bert is well over six feet tall, whereas Sorrell Brooke was maybe five and a half feet tall. The idiot who played Roscoe was a bastard who I’m sure was a racist; the original Roscoe P. Coltrane was a bumbling idiot, but was a fun guy. Not to mention Catherine Bach was the fantastic Daisy Duke, and casting Jessica Simpson because he had double D cup titties was horrible…she cannot act, nor sing.
The Honeymooners, Josie and the Pussycats, Scooby-Doo, Get Smart, 21 Jumpsrreet, The Munsters, Starship Troopers, all where horrible films; all bombed at the box office. Its as if Hollywood decided to watch TV and make movies from a thirty second clip.

Remakes, or “reboots” as Hollywood called them are worse. Anyone remember the Johnny Depp abortion “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”? Didn’t think so. The Tom Cruise War of the Worlds was horrid; no explaination for how the martions got on Earth, no real character development. It’s as if they said “Tom Cruise and aliens. Orsen Wells is dead, lets do it!”. Pass.

Even their original ideas are piss-poor. Take for instance Independance Day staring Will Smith. My father and I watched it just to make fun of how bad it is. My father had the right thought when he said “Who the fuck is the idiot who thought that Will Smith and aliens where a good match?” Will should’ve stayed with his Auntie and uncle in Bell-Air…

Hollywood us back to making comics into movies. They started with the Batman serials in the 40’s and it looked to be halted until DC made Superman I. The first Superman was fantastic, as was the second one. That is when they should’ve stopped, but they made three and four…..Richard Pryor and Christopher Reeves was not a good casting. Both where fantastic actors in their seperate fields, but putting them together? No. Iron Man with Robert Downey Jr. was a great film, but do to the producer’s decision to cut Terrence Howard from the film made me decide not to watch it. The great Batman franchise almost died when they made Batman Forever and decided to make Batman and Robin… Nipples on the Batsuit, anyone? Luckily for us, Christopher Nolan came around and made the franchise work. Not bad for a remake… Spiderman was a great film. Spiderman one, that is. Two was OK, whereas three killed the franchise so quickly, that it cursed the Broadway play named after it! They are “Rebooting” the series with another guy soon….. Daredevil and Elektra where both flops, no matter how good Jennifer Garner looked in leather … The first attempt at the Hulk, the one directed by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon director Ang Lee was so bad that Mr. Lee is no longer making American films, and I can only guess that he is hiding in the Orient somewhere hoping people forgot him. The Fantastic Four was bad, despite having Jessica Alba as Sue Storm and Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom. Michael Chickless as The Thing was not very good, either. His acting wasn’t bad, just his suit looked faked! Marvel and Hollywood tried in the 70’s to make The Fantastic Four and Captain America, but thankfully neither saw the light of day!

Hopefully some day, Hollywood can make a new, ORIGINAL film that will hold the audience’s attention…but my crystal ball does not hold that answer


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