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Archive for June, 2013|Monthly archive page

Dear young people…

In annoyances on June 28, 2013 at 3:23 AM

As I slowly advance in life, I’ve noticed things. I’ve noticed that young people are becoming dumber. We have warning labels on everything, we try to make the young smarter but we fail.

Take for instance, my experience in the shops the other day before work. I was running behind, so I grabbed two energy drinks, one for before work, one for after. The shopkeeper looked to me…in the eyes and told me “you tryna get a buzz, youngin?” I looked at him flabbergasted, as I was not prepaired for this. I asked him to repeat himself, and this time I managed “What the hell?” Apparently, you young people (the future, if you recall…) have taken to getting a ‘high’ from the elevated caffeine levels in energy drinks. What the hell is wrong with you?

The cinnamon challenge…wherein “contestants” try to eat an entire spoonful of the spice. I’ve no idea what the goal is here, but from the stories on the news…Darwin’s theory is correct. If you are going to do something stupid, please film it…it needs to be used as evidence that your parents failed.

I had to ship some things for a gal u work for that required dry ice… I wont go in to details here, but apparently you’ve got to be over 18 to purchase it, as the government deems you an adult then…the guy behind the counter went into a full explanation as to why you have to be an adult to purchase it. He was a man of over 40, so I assume that he knew better…..

Lets take a gander at “Big Tobacco” a moment. Well, not tobacco, really the idiots who think for us. They claim that flavoured cigarettes are attracting kids and TEENAGERS to smoke. Really? Teens should know better than to say “Oooh, pretty smells! I want to smoke!” They are flaming teens! I can see little kids, but nit teens going to smoke them because of the flavour. Fucking Jesus on his sister’s bike!

The idiot kids who race their car down the motorway. If you want to race your car, there are legal places where you can do that. Places where you cannot be arrested, nor can you harm anyone. Or you could just not be an asshole, and play the video games.

Please wake up America…and maybe the rest of the world as well…

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Let’s shift gears here…

In Driving on June 23, 2013 at 5:20 AM

Recently, I took my first lesson in how to drive a manual transmission, and I didn’t do too badly; only stalling out twice! The lady who owns the car told me “it’s OK, you will do that a few times; nothing to worry about.” She also mentioned that she wants to trade it in in a year, so I couldn’t harm it. I enjoyed it immensely! The thrill of shifting gears, slamming the gear lever to change, hearing the engine rev up! Oh, how I loved it!

I have decided that when I get a car (or pickup) it HAS to be a manual, no automatic for me! I only drove from her house to mine which isn’t that far, but it was enough for me! I am a manual transmission man! I learned to drive in a mini-van that was automatic, and I excelled at it. If you remember my earlier posting about getting my license, then you will recall my timidness behind the wheel. With the stick, the only real problem I had was starting from a dead stop. I would stall out about one in four starts, but I found shifting gears to be easy as pie. I guess playing Gran Turismo and various Formula One games may have played a part in that…and yes, I was expecting a red stop sign or number telling me what gear to shift to, despite noir exceeding 40 miles an hour!

The car in question is a 2001 Honda, and far cry from my future (I hope) Michael Schumacher Formula One car, but for now it was fine. The lessons came about when I was asked to wash her car. She asked me to start it and it confessed that I didn’t know how…she offered to one day teach me…that was the day my life would change.

It was a cold day for early June. I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, believing the wind would die off and the heat would increase. I finished washing and vacuuming the auto, and she pulled it out to the street, telling me “Don’t get in yet.” I allowed my self the thought of her running me down (she is elderly, after all) but quickly dispatched it, as I’m her entire workforce. I walked out to the street, my body shaking, not knowing at the time, the joy that laid ahead of me. I get curb side and hear “hop in, you’re going to learn something today”. I swallowed my spit (normally after work, I pack a bit of tobacco fir the walk home, but not today.) I get to the car as my friend and part time boss instructs me to depress the clutch, and shift into first gear. The car stalls out. I had no idea what to do. “Clutch, first again” I hear. Same results as before. I then look down and see that she (driving a manual exclusive fir 40+ years, she was) had engaged the emergency brake. I take it off, and press on the clutch, and slide the gear lever into first (see, most stock transmissions have the gears and their positions etched into the knob on the top…) I ease off the clutch and onto the gas. I was enthralled as to his smoothly the car pulled forward from the curb, and into the street. I’m sure I did, but I don’t recall blinking during that first time, just…driving and listening to the car.

I’ve known the lass who instructed me for a number of years, addressed her by her given first name many times, but her giving me instructions brought the formality in me, and I followed her questions with a “yes, ma’am” or “no ma’am”, and didn’t realize it until I pulled into the driveway of my house and she said “You don’t have to call me ‘ma’am’ you know. I’ve known you for many years, ‘Ronda’ is fine…(and not her real name, by the way). I apologized and collected my day’s pay, which would’ve been acceptable if she cut it by half, as driving a stick shift was more than payment enough! She told me that she would love to give me more lessons, but our schedules just don’t mesh up (I would for two other people, and she loans her car out to her friend so he can get to work, you see), so I said anytime she has me working and the car would be a fine time, even if it’s just to and from her house. She mentions selling or trading it in a year or so, and I asked to get first crack at it.

I have a few ideas to make the manual transmission better. Here they are (in no particular order)
Give drivers a discount for buying a stick shift. It could be in the forum of a tax credit, or in the firm of a cheaper car. Hell, a separate cheaper lane at the petrol station even.
Give them an option to choose between a “proper” gear box (as Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson calls it) or the Formula One style “flappy paddle” gears behind the wheel. Including the clutch pedal.
Third, tell every man who comes in that the amount of female attention (even from hus wife/girlfriend) will increase by 3000%! What man doesn’t want more sex. If your a homosexual, then tell em that it will increase the amount of sex you have by 3000%. See, I thought of everyone.
Tell the men that it will make you manlier to the women (or other homosexuals if that’s your preference)
If your a woman, it will make men (or women, if you want) become enamored with you (what man or lesbian woman doesn’t love a gal who can shift?)
Include a sticker that says “I shift” to plaster on your bumper.
Instead of the carpool lane, rename it the “Manual Transmission Lane” and allow them to go faster than the other, slow automatic vehicles on the motorway.

Now some history of the manual transmission.  THIS PART MAY BE TOO SEXIST FOR SOME, but it’s factual…honest. OK, still reading? Good. The automatic transmission was invented because the thinking was that women couldn’t get the concept of shifting gears. The automatics that people love where invented fir women drivers…as was power steering. Just remember that. The transmission and power steering came with the tagline “Your husband can shift, but you can’t”.

Now,  I must head off to sleep, so leave ne your questions and comments to respond to when I awake. Thanks.

I have no faith in humanity

In annoyances on June 21, 2013 at 2:35 AM

For a while now, I’ve been playing witness to the decline of humanity. We see more and more videos of idiots on the internet, and the throngs of morons who think “hey, I can do that!” So naturally, they can do the same thing and upload it and become “internet famous” by the idiots who watch and share the video. I’m by no means perfect, but I grew out of my phase of doing stupid things when I hit adulthood, and the friends whom I had with me have forgotten it, so it’s OK and we didn’t have the internet then…..
Recently, there was a man who should’ve known better, but he bought one of those devices that lets you hear better, all the while looking like a Bluetooth headset. This Darwin Award winner (well he should’ve won) decided to take it out on his hunting excursion. The commercial shows a man doing it, so it must be true, right? This moron SHOOTS AN ANIMAL AND THEN SUES THE COMPANY FOR GOING DEAF! What the hell possessed him to take a small speaker, turn it up, and fire a loud rifle within the vicinity of it? Did you think that it wouldn’t be loud?
We have warning labels for everything. Some I can see, like choking hazards on kid toys. Others are asinine. Take for instance the warning labels in coffee cups. “WARNING! THIS PRODUCT MAY BE HOT! DRINK WITH CAUTION!” No shit, I ordered a hot cup of coffee…All because of one moron who burned his doodle…
A favourite of mine is the warning they put on car engines. “Do not touch spinning blades” well, duh! You’ll chop your fingers off! Hell, my razor came with a warning that the blades are sharp…as if I’m buying a razor because it’s dull…

A major pet peeve of mine is that they have to put a warning in commercials. I’m aware that the commercial is fake, and that Kia sliding down a rail isn’t real. Who the hell thinks that it is? Are you going to return the car because you can’t rail slide across town?
Warning labels on medication are the worst. Some side effects are even worse than the cure. “This sleep aid may cause you to be exposed to a higher risk of cancer. Consult your doctor.” I’ll take my sleepless nights thanks.

Just watch television for five hours, you’ll find dozens of warnings. Some for medications, some for the advertisements. What they need is some sort of intelligence test for these products. Do you drink a copious amour of alcohol? Have you, or someone you’ve know ever uttered the phrase “Hey y’all, watch this?” Nope, sorry. No product for you. We gave to screen people to buy booze, tobacco guns, homes. Why not these people.

Another annoyance is trying to buy glue for a plastic model car kit. Some dumb asshole liked to sniff it, and now they are more secure than Fort Knox! All I want to do is buy the damn tube, put my car together and show her off! They also screen you when you buy paint. In some states you can only buy one can in a give time. What if I’m painting my house and I run out? I can’t wait a month to finish it. I can’t have my chum buy another can, its entered into a database…wake up people…

Manners and civility are gone as well. Just recently I was walking around town; it was a beautiful day, so I didn’t take my headphones. A young man and his consort walk past me, and I, being friendly said “afternoon” to this bloke. He responded with a “Fuck you; get out of the way.” The Irish in me wanted to bust his skull, but the gentleman in me just let it go. I’m a friendly person, so when I see someone on the street, I can’t help but say hello, but some people just don’t deserve it, but think that they are entitled to service. At the library where my family works, one guy always has an attitude. He walks past the other people in line, demands his items (which are clearly marked on the shelf to the right of the circulation desk) and gets mad when he’s told to get them himself. I can understand if he was polite, waited in line, and asked for his items because he’s never been to that library, but he’s there every week; sometimes twice or more! He knows the rules. Hell, I still wait, even though my family works there, and aside from my tenure in Utah, I’ve been there since I was eleven. Geez! Personal style is another matter, but I’ll skip it, as the internet will explode if I go into it.

Just the other day while walking (with headphones this time) I noticed a Yaounde lady in distress. I asked her what was wrong, and was yelled at. You see, she had a flat tire, and I was in a position to help change it, but after being yelled at for my inquiry, I decided to let her suffer. I’m nit a vengeful man, but you shall receive no help from me if you reject it in a violent manner. Now, if she had said “My tire is flat, would you kind helping me change it? Please.” I would’ve rolled up KY sleeves and sent Ger on the way with a fresh tire…

I’ve been a pedestrian since my return to California, and I’ve noticed that drivers here feel entitled to the road. I know that 90% of them probably don’t have a license, but it says pedestrians have the right of way. When I was in Utah, I’d let other drivers in, stop for people walking across the street, stop at stop signs (even in the dead of night on an empty motorway). In California, however, no one’s coming? GUN IT! What the hell man? It takes a second if your life to hit the break pedal, and wont cost you your license or any jail time….

Well, folks, I think it’s time I ended this rant. Hopefully in the future, we can all band together and overcome our idiotic and disrespectful habits, and return a place where the words “yes, please”, “no, thank you”, and thank you ” aren’t viewed as things better left unsaid.

Pageants

In annoyances on June 18, 2013 at 2:49 AM

It’s old hat by now, but the gaff made my Miss Utah in the Miss Whatever Pageant got me thinking…why aren’t these things illegal? At least for those under 18.

Shows like Toddlers and Tiaras just reinforce my beliefs that “pageant moms” are the worst possible parents. I was wondering if they where once in pageants themselves, but they slept with the judge and got knocked up, and now they have to force their dreams onto their kids. I cannot grasp the idea that “my kid wants to be in these pageants”. No, your young kids wants to poop and eat just like every other kid! No kid wants to spend hours in hair and makeup, even if they get to pretend to be a princess. When they reach adolescence, they will become spoiled, bratty kids who have developed drug and anorexia problems. Or worse…Honey Boo Boo! That brings up another question I have: are the feminist groups protesting this? If not, why not? I can make their argument for them; they parade the stereotype that women are beautiful, but dumb. The Miss Carolina gal with her answer on why children cannot find The US on a world map, and the aforementioned Utah gaff of a few days ago springs to mind…. If that isn’t enough cause to protest, the bikini contest is also something the feminist groups have to hate, right? A bunch of men eying the scantily clad women like meat, they have hate that? Not to mention that if you have a brain, but are a bit on the heavy side, then you are eliminated from the first round, no matter how you look…there is no Mr. America or other such contest for the girls to treat the men in the same fashion, right? Equal rights, that something the feminist groups love to shout! Why nit get a Mr. Whatever contest for them?

I only know of one thing the women did that won the Miss Whatever pageant; they took photos with all the winners of the 50th annual Autorama (I won second in the model car building competition….) and aside from that, I do not know what the hell their “Miss Whatever duties” are. They don’t go to schools to reinforce positive values, they don’t help in the community, as far as I can tell, they win the crown and then don’t pose for porn shoots for a year….what social or economic value do these pageants serve? Donald Trump owns one of the Miss Whatever Parades, and I imagine he bought it for the advertising and licensing rights, as it doesn’t help his cause (whatever that may be), so I’m at a loss to explain why he, or anyone would buy that…

The children pageants are the worst. Who the hell had the idea to force kids into these things? They get forced into these things because of stage moms and dads that have no backbone. If my young daughter (who does not exist as if writing) tells me “daddy, I want to be in a pageant” I am going to buy Ger the biggest dollhouse that I can, and tell her to pretend. If you think that nothing happens to these kids…Google that Jean Benay kid…..sorry…but I believe that these pageant kids have only two options if try stay in these past the age of five. When I was a kid, as with my brother and sister, we had a competition to win free diapers, but mother chose not to enter us, as she didn’t want something later in life to be ruined by this, and I thank her. I believe that the so-called “pageant moms” are committing child abuse by forcing their kids to do these pageants. As I said before, no kid wants to be in them; they all want to poop, eat, and play with their Barbie dolls. Hell, your kid wants to be in a pageant, then let them play dress up. Its far safer than letting them be in the pageants.

If you have any comments, or want to share your thoughts on the issue, just drop a comment. Thanks

Futurama

In TV Shows on June 17, 2013 at 12:54 AM

This Wednesday will bring the final season of Futurama. I must say that I am not sad to see it go. When it started it was funny, if not weird.  When Fox canceled it, I was sad. Many years later, Comedy Central started running the old episodes…then news came that all new episodes and my heart went crazy. When I started watching them…I was disappointed. They had done what every other TV show does when they hit a skid; pop culture satire. Even the episode I’m watching now is an “Obama/Birther” parody of the 2004 election. Did the writers just give up?

The final years of its original run where made into movies, which Comedy Central ran as sort of a primer on the series. I enjoyed them, but as the series wore on, every episode became a message, or beat you over the head with politics episode. I believe I ran out of love for the show when the “EyePad” episode aired. See, that episode was a parody of Apple’s iPad, and instead of it being a piece of hardware, they installed it right into your eye! Not funny. Then they had the aforesaid episode with the Obama parody. I gave up then, and I’m strongly considering giving up on it again.

Did Matt just sell the rights because he needed money? I’m ecstatic that Comedy Central got the entire cast together again, but at what time do they say…”This is shit”? I miss the episodes where it was all comedy all the time.

Take for instance, the first X-Mas episode where the world feared Santa because he killed the people instead of delivering presents. Bender played the role of Santa and had to deliver the presents while trying to dodge the real Santa. “The box may be empty, but the message is clear. Play Santa again, and I’ll kill you next year!” Ring a bell, or how about “I come bearing gifts. Look, I have Tri-ominos”? This new season just didn’t have the humor that made the original run outstanding.

Before you ask, yes, I will be watching, if not to witness the final episode of the show that helped shape my childhood. The promos have promised a “true ending” to the series, and I wish to finally put a feather in the cap that was Futurama.

A few things that I would’ve done to make the show a bit better would’ve been to not let Fry and Leela get together, it just took some of the humor away. I thought it was sweet, all that Fry did to whoo her, like trading his hands for those of the Robot Devil’s so he could play the holophoner. Sadly, they had to ruin it by finally making them get together. Also, I wouldn’t have given Zoidberg his back story. Something about knowing that he saved the professor’s life once and wasn’t always a bumbling idiot just took some of his comedic character away. I understand that some people (like boring writers for instance) needed to know, but I felt that the episode where his uncle tries to make a movie but gets passed over for an Oscar was enough.

Well, just remember, the series will live on through the magic of DVD and Netflix. So, in closing…bite my shiny metal ass!

This going to anger you…

In Rants on June 15, 2013 at 8:01 PM

This blog will be why religion is bullshit; if you are a deeply religious person, then read something else…you have been warned.

I grew up in a family that was deeply Southern. What I mean by that is God, family, fun. In that order. All my life I’ve heard “Trust God to provide for you”, and I did…for a while. See, my father used to believe in God, but as he grew up, he started reading the works of Carl Sagan and that made sense to him, as it did me. My mother still goes twice every Sunday and reads her Bible and lives her life by it. I tried going once, and in an effort to convert me, her pastor said “Read the Bible. It’s the best book ever written.” So I did…

Here is a small list of the problems that I have:
1 if God created the sun on the forth day, how had four days passed? It would’ve been one really long night.
2 If God created ONLY Adam and Eve, who birthed Caine and Abel, who fucked their mother to get a wife? And who committed incest to get a child? See, I’m not even out of Genesis before I’m puzzled!
3 if Noah had made a boat big enough to carry two of every animal, how did he keep the predator animals from eating their prey? How did a snake not eat a mouse? How did a hawk, who is EXTREMELY territorial not kill another hawk to keep his claim?
4 Who wrote the Bible, and how do we know any of its true? Now, they have found evidence of places mentioned in the Bible, but it does not make it true, it just means that someone found something mentioned in the Bible. The Arabs have a similar story about the “great flood” also.
5 Did God send his only son here to die, or did he die because he was sent here? If you truly are the Son of God, why would you just let someone crucify you? Not to mention that the Romans had a guy who do what Jesus did…
6 The King James VERSION of the Bible. Who the hell gave King James the authority to change and thus make billions of people believe the “word of God”? My favourite argument is “Its not in the Bible, but it’s true”. OK, its not in the Bible, but Elvis is God, right?
7 It says in the Bible “Men with long hair and beards should be ashamed” So, what your telling me is that because Jesus has (or at least is depicted as having) long hair and a beard, that he should be ashamed? Seriously, dude? It also says that you can sell your daughter into slavery, and that Jesus paled around with a whore, which is sinful, so I guess that makes Jesus a sinner? If I die and go to hell, I’ll see Jesus there because he was friends with a whore? Seriously…

The Bible contradicts itself with almost every passage. If God created us, who created God? And don’t give me that shit about “he’s always been there.” We both know your bullshitting because you don’t know! Not to mention that science has proven we have been here for billions of years, not just thousands…
My favourite thing to ask any religious folk is “what was God doing between the time the dinosaurs died and man walked upright?” No matter what religion you are when I ask, I never get a straight answer. Was he (or she) sitting on his cloud fiddling with his (or her) thumbs for sixty odd million years? That’s a mighty long break! Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that the Christian holiday of Christmas originated with the Norse (Vikings). They burned Thor’s favourite log in celebration of him and brought in an evergreen tree to simbolize the oncomming spring. Decorations came from Germany many years later.

Homosexuals are sinful, says the Bible…Well, the word ‘homosexual’ didn’t even exist when the Bible was written, and everyone just fucked whatever or whomever they could when they got urge! The Greeks, Turks, Norse, Romans, French; all of them! They all fucked men when they got the urge to, but the Christians had to go spread the word that God didn’t like it. They also changed “God’s word” to more suit the pagans whom they could not convert. The Norse used a T shape to symbolize Thor’s hammer, as he was the God of protection, but the Christians believed that Jesus (who is also the father, son and holy spirit, apparently…) was the only God needed….

OK, I’m going to end it here, but please, go on living your life, and praying or not praying, or whatever you do. As always if you have any comments to add, or just want to yell at me fir shitting on your beliefs, then feel free to do so in the comments. Thank you

The end is near!

In thought on June 13, 2013 at 5:17 PM

If you’ve been alive long enough, you’ve probably seen the guy with the sandwich board, or standing there quoting the Bible proclaiming “The end is near! The end is near!” Well, dear readers let’s take a trip through history and examine the other liars who’ve made the same proclamation. You may need a calendar for this trip. I’ll wait. Got one? Good.

Saint Malachy said after the reign of the 112th Pope, the world all end, and the new Pope (somehow able to save the world from ending) will be named Peter The Roman and be an Italian. Wrong. The new Pope is not Italian, nor named Peter!
Sir Issac Newton said the world will end in 2060, but some scholars say he calculated the start of the Holy Roman Empire wrong, and the world will end in 2012. Check your calendar now.
The Mayans believed the world would end December 12 2012, well… Many moroons bought into that theory, and we are all still here…
A computer program called “Web Bot” predicted the end of the world would fall on December 31 2012. New Year’s Eve, or day, depending on the time zone in which you live. Well my calendar says June 2013, and unless there is something your not telling me, then there is another reason not to trust nut jobs and their doomsday prophecies.
Most of us will remember the fiasco known as Y2K. You remember, right? Computers will shut down, all the airplanes would fall from the sky, all the worlds nukes would launch and turn us into charred piles of ash. I personally knew people who bought into this theory. They stockpiled water, and cans of every food that could be canned. Well for months afterward, they didn’t have to buy anything to eat. Not to mention that people tried going underground to escape the world exploding. Now, I don’t know much about explosions, but I’m pretty sure you’d want to be far away from the epicenter, right.
Then there was the minister who said it would end in May around the 21st. When that day didn’t happen, he said he Mister calculated and it would end in December. I believe that he had to go back to radio to escape the scrutiny of the sane folks who said he wwas a moron.

In case you missed it, it is June 2013 and NONE OF THE PREDICTIONS EVER CAME TRUE! What does that teach us? Well, if you believe the scientists, then we’ve got a few billion years before the sun burns out it’s heat, IR we’ve got no idea when that asteroid will plow inti the world the way it did when it wiped out the dinosaurs. So, the answer is, we just don’t know when the world will in fact end. Maybe the Christians are right, and Christ will come back and condemn us for whatever reason. Maybe we will be here forever, just go on living and exploring to the farthest reaches of space, and maybe colonizing other planets, or even other universes.

In closing, just let me say, don’t believe the crazy hobos or the crazy guys with the Bibles who scream about the coming doom. Go on living, and if the world ends, it ends; nothing we can do about it. Just hug your loved ones, and be kind to one another.

As always, if you have any comments or suggestions, feel free to share them with me in the comments box. Have a good’n 

Robinson Caruso

In exploration on June 9, 2013 at 10:54 AM

I’ve been asked that age-old question “what would you take with you on a deserted island” so many times that its become obscene. For a while, I kicked around a few ideas, but as I aged, I grew to realize one glaring flaw in that scenario: if I’m on an uncharted island, how did I get there, and if I know about it in advance….why wouldn’t I just take a boat of some kind? I understand that the question is supposed to be some kind of mental game, but come on.

If I where washed ashore on said island, and not able to take or have supplies dropped off from the air, I would first try to find fresh drinking water. Next would be to make shelter. Preferably above ground, as I wouldn’t know what creepy-crawlies would try to infest my body while I slept. The third thing would be food. Now given that I cannot eat fish, I would hope that there is some deer or other source of meat in this island! The food thing may be first, as I would probably be hungry, given that I was just washed ashore and have no idea when the last time I ate would be. I would also have to fashion some sort of weapon, not just for food, but I may need some sort of protection. If I could choose the location to which I was dropped, naturally I would choose some place that had a lot of natural resources, such as a farm of some sort, or a grocery store.

Of course I will answer the question and lust the three items that I want to take with me. The fist item I would take with me would be some sort of weapon, like a rifle, or at the very least, a knife. Second would be tobacco and a pipe, as I doubt the Grizzly or Skoal would hold up to the heat or humidity or rain storms on the island. The third and mist important item…A BOAT TO GET OFF THE DAMN ISLAND! (Remember now, in this scenario, apparently I am able to pack fir this excursion, so why wouldn’t I take a boat with me?)  Naturally, there are things that I wouldn’t bring with me. Things such as wood (I’m sure this island has trees) any electronic device (I’ll leave that one to you guys to figure out why). I also wouldn’t bring anything that couldn’t be sacrificed in the event that I needed it. Things such as gold jewelry as I wouldn’t be able to get the fire hot enough to melt it down, nor would I be able to use it for much.

Well, folks there you have it. The items I would bring with me are again: tobacco, weapons and a boat. So in closing, let me ask you what would you bring with you on a deserted island?

Adult Swim, or Fox 2.0?

In TV Shows on June 5, 2013 at 1:12 AM

When did Adult Swim become the Sunday night Fox lineup? Family Guy, American Dad!, The Cleveland Show, King of the Hill, all syndicated from Fox. When did they stop showing anything new? Sure they have Robot Chicken and Aqua Teen, but when Adult Swim premiered some years ago, it was anime all the time. Escaflone, Full Metal Alchemist, Cowboy Bebop, Sailor Moon and some others that I could only watch at a friend’s house. Hell, Cartoon Network tried to fool me by bringing back Toonami, claiming it was “Back and as good as the original”. Bolderdash! Says I. When I was in elementary school, I raced home to catch the exploits of Goku and his friends; that’s the original Toonami, not this bull shit we have now.

Come to think of it, all if Adult Swim is pretty shit, save for a few programs. Programs like Squidbillies, Robot Chicken, Superjail, Moral Orel, Minoriteam, Metalocalypse, Aqua Something You Know Whatever. And yes, for those of you that are familiar with my Rantings, I do enjoy King of the Hill. However, I am only listing the Adult Swim programming.

They do run the “Toonami” that they have now, but its not the original Toonami, but rather some idiot’s idea that if they show the same crap Fox had three years ago, then the rest of the world will enjoy it. However, I do not know any single person who actually enjoys One Piece, or the Thundercats abortion.  Yet it is still in the air. Not to mention that [AS] is acquiring the rights to run Bob’s Burgers…if Cartoon Network is that hard up for money, then just admit that Fox owns them. It would certainly clear up this blogger’s mind.

Adult Swim has tried to lure us in with Loiter Squad, but I never got that show. Frisky Dingo, Lucy, Daughter of the Devil, Your Pretty Face is Going To Hell, none of it. One show I did get, and loved was Perfect Hair Forever! That show was, admittedly stupid, but they never took it past season one; that and Minoriteam. Minoriteam was insanely racist, but it was meant to satire the stigma, not incite riots. Hell, the White Shadow ruled everything, and The Corporate Ladder was meant to keep everyone down; what other show had an evil character the likes of Standardized Test? I will settle for the same bullshit from them if they agree to put Moral Orel back on with Minoriteam on Sunday nights. Just once a week is all I’m asking.

The Curse of the Twin Cities

In Minnesota, Sports, Vikings on June 3, 2013 at 4:30 AM

As a sports fan, I’ve got to ask, is Minnesota cursed? I ask this because since 1991 and Kirby Puckett’s World Series home run, they cannot seem to win anything big.

As a boy, I grew up rooting for the Minnesota teams. The Twins, Vikings, Gophers, all of them, and I do not know why. I wasn’t born or raised anywhere near Minnesota, nor have I been there, but it’s always been that way.

Let’s go over the evidence, shall we? Minnesota Vikings v. Dallas Cowboys and the “Hail Mary pass” that caused the Vikings to lose the Super Bowl. Now, anyone with a pair of eyes can tell you that the Minnesota receiver (whose name escapes me at the moment) was shoved, but the refs didn’t call Pass Interference on the play. Cursed. Also no instant replay…cursed. The other three times the Purple People Eaters where in the “Big Game? Choked and lost. They acquire Brent Favor (or Brett Favre for you nit familiar with the rivalry) and in the game that would’ve sent them to the Super Bowl what does he do? HE THROWS ACROSS HIS BODY FOR A GAME WINNING INTERCEPTION! Cursed.

The Minnesota Twins have won the World Series twice, once in 1987, and again in 1991. Ever since then, they fall apart around the All Star Break. Last year Morneau was out with a concussion and concussion symptoms; they tried to move Mauer from behind the bag; told Joe Nathan (the best closer currently in MLB) to pack it up after he he had Tommy Johns surgery. They’ve gotten to the playoffs twice in that time span, facing and losing to the New York Yankees every time. It makes a man wonder if they have a fear of championships. Like if Puckett’s ghost is preventing them from being any damn good…

The Minnesota Wild. They youngest team in the NHL, having come into the league in 2000. Now Minnesota is The State of Hockey, so you would expect at least one championship, right? Wrong! The North Stars left, and I believe it was to escape the curse, which they did when they won the Cup in 2004 just before the lockout. Now, the Wild have gotten to the Conference Finals and….CHOKED! This season saw a lockout, a shortened season, and the return of Minnesota-born Zach Parisé to the line up. He, Ryan Suter, Mikko Koivu, Danny Heatly, and Cal Clutterbuck would would make a great shift right? Knocked out of the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs in five games. That gamer winner in OT was a great boost to the team, that sadly didn’t carry over to the next game. Of course they had a great line, but five guys does not a hockey team make, and the choked. I’m still questioning the fact that they let go of Marian Gaborik, but hey, money talks…

Noe before you fire off your comments damning me to sports hell, I will play Devil’s Advocate here. I realize that sports are tough and it takes a toll on your body. However, I do not get why every Minnesota team seems to fall apart at the end. The Vikings must have chosen the color purple because what other color will you turn if you’re choking for 50 years? The Twins won their World Series rings not jut on the bat of Kirby, but because they had good pitching. The Vikings had a great kicker in Mitch Burger; didn’t miss a kick all year. Missed the field goal and sent the Falcons to the Super Bowl! The Wild had a decent run thus year, I’ll admit. Parisé was fantastic on the ice, and I know that Chicago is a tough team; Patrick Kane is a beast who would fit in fine with Minnesota…however, the “Let’s buy everyone’s good players to form our team” Didn’t work for the Yankees for twelve years, so I’m not expecting a small market team to be able to copy that business model, nor should they. The Vikings had great players, and still do. In the “Purple People Eater” days, Jim Marshall was unstoppable, even if he did run the wrong way! Adrian Peterson is a great half-back, and would become the best if he could hold onto the ball a little better…and I’m going to leave Christian Ponder out of the discussion simply because he replaced Donovan McNabb just a few games into his first season, but will say when your team is in a big game, you play through the pain of a sore thumb, lord knows I’ve worked with bad knees and back for a while now!
I’ve sat through the agonizing theatre play known as Mauergate and can’t help that feel like the Twins want to tell us something. They decide to pull Joe Mauer from the Catcher spot and live him 90 feet to first; didn’t work. Then they decide to put him back behind the bag, but only sometimes. Now they alternate between DH and catcher. If he isn’t working, then (he has a no trade clause and a billjillion dollar contract) ask if he wants to play somewhere else, although the whole “I’m a Minnesota boy, born and raised; played for the University of Minnesota and live and love it here” speech that he gave would tell me otherwise…. Just figure out where to put him and we’ll see how it goes, OK,?

Well, wee will have to see how the the Vikings’ season plays and his the rest of the Twins season plays out. Maybe the Gophers can win Paul Bunyan’s Axe and make us all happy. As always, feel free free to comment on the topic, or if you want my unique slant on another topic. Thanks for reading!

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