Unhealthy is happy

In annoyances on November 4, 2013 at 2:12 AM

Let’s face it, America. We are an unhealthy nation. We smoke, drink, east fucking burgers, drive recklessly take more medications than ever before, and know what? We’re fucking happy! Sure, we’ll probably die young from it, but, fuck it, we are happy!

Skinny asshats may say “being fat is unattractive”, but fuck you, skinny dude! Fat people make your life easier. Think about it, we get bigger ambulances, bigger beds, bigger chairs, spend more money on failed gym memberships, and higher health and life insurance rates, and you skinny fuckers get to benefit from it. Personally, I’m just south of 220 pounds, and I love it!

Fall is upon us, and every skinny person wants to cuddle up with a fat guy, weither or not they want to admit it. Us fat guys are warm, we cuddle better, and, because we’re fat, we try harder to please our women. Ask one of them skinny turds on the street, and they’ll deny it, but secretly they want to come home to a bear of man and be wrapped in his loving embrace. Hell, at work I was asked out by a female coworker. I told her that it wouldn’t work out between us for a number of factors, one of which (besides it being forbidden by my workplace) was that skinny women piss me off. If she changed jobs, gained about 30 pounds, then maybe it could work.

I know that us fat guys who eat a solid diet of red meat, smoke unfiltered cigarettes, drink hard liquor, take drugs will die before we reach fifty, but fuck you, this is America. To quote the great Ron Swanson “If I want to balloon up to 600 pounds, and siege of a heart attack before im forty, i can do that”. This is America, if you don’t like it, tough shit!


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