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Horror movies

In Movies on May 16, 2014 at 12:39 AM

As a kid, I loved horror movies; I’d just eat em up, now, however, they seem to be tame. As I type this, i’m currently saddened by the fact that there are no good horror movies. I don’t mean the gory, bloody, slasher flicks like Friday the 13th, or A Nightmare on Elm Street. I mean a good, scary movie. Be it the Vincent Price and Alfred Hitchcock style of psychological scare, or even a creepy villain. The reason that Jason and Freddy are popular is because they where scary; maybe not to an adult, but they where to the teenaged girls who clung to their date’s arms in horror as they slashed their way through countless victims.

When I was a lad, we had SNICK’s “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” and, for a child of five, it was terrifying, yet, at the same time, Fox ran Tales from the Crypt on Saturday nights, another show that I watched and, oddly enough, wasn’t scared. Hell, i wanted the Crypt Keeper as a friend, for corn sake! Now, it seems that all the good ideas have been done so much that no one in Hollywood can produce anything original. Every movie that I have seen has the same elements: A hapless blond with giant tits who runs TOWARD danger, a stoner who can’t do anything but die, and an improbable location. Take, for instance, the Friday the 13th films. Every year, a bunch of teenagers (dumb ones, I should point out) go up to Camp Crystal Lake, have sex and smoke pot. Jason pops up around the first quarter of the film and…kills them. Granted, he does it in some pretty outrageous ways, like the pruning shears through this dude’s eyes right after he has sex with some hapless broad with giant tits. However, I did like the scene where a hapless couple is in a sleeping bag and he scoops them up and proceeds to bash them about in the sleeping bag, the way one might do if they are trying to kill a rodent. That was funny! In A Nightmare on Elm Street, naturally, Freddy can only kill you if you sleep, and of course you’ve got to sleep at some point, so…yeah. I do like the inventive ways he did you in. It’s been a while, but I seem to recall him putting his finger claw through the ear of a deaf kid because that was his fear, which, while terrible, was cool to see….

I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out the fact that Hollywood can’t seem to produce an original movie so they remake everything in sight. They did it with the Freddy and Jason movies. See, they can’t come up with a new killer, so they remake the two arguably most iconic killers in cinema history, and recreated them. In the remake of the Jason slasher flicks, they didn’t change much, aside from the killer. See, in the original FT13, Jason’s mother is the killer, and we don’t see him until the very end, but he was but a lad. In the new one, we see him as the killer. Yawn.
The remake of the Freddy films, I have yet to see, but have been noticing that there is no plans to continue the series yet.
Another point I’d like to make is if the movie is successful the first time, they tend to make sequel after sequel, thus tainting the story. See, the first Hellraiser was great. Then, the producers n Hollywood decided to make a sequel, and then it ended up being an eight film shitfest. Halloween was great…the first one, anyhow. After that, they never acted like they tried. Granted, Jamie Lee Curtis was typecast in horror flicks because of her scream, so James Cameron decided he had to make a sequel. It did great numbers, then the third installment came out and almost killed the franchise. Flash forward to the Rob Zombie film; they gave Michael Meyers a back story as to why he was a deranged killer. That movie, I actually liked; hell, I overpaid to see in the cinema!

When I first saw The Ring, it was a damn good horror movie! It was originally a Japanese film entitled “Ringu”. I enjoyed it immensely; made me feel like a child watching the horror movies for the first time. And, naturally, the Japanese made a sequel, and it was popular, so too, did the Americans did it also. In this one, the mom, played by the very beautiful Naomi Watts moves with her boy to a small town (in Seattle, if memory serves) and finds work as a news reporter. She discovers a death and is reporting on the crime scene when she decides to open to body bag…only to find the twisted face of a man who has met Samara (the girl from the video) and discovers that her work from the first movie was not complete. The second one wasn’t as good as the first, as is usually the case, but I liked it. Often times, there will crop up rumors of the film having a third and (probably not) final installment, since that is how it was in Japan. I am still currently waiting for that to happen, and would actually like to see it.
There has even been a “clone” of sorts with the genre. In the film “One Missed Call” (haven’t seen it, just trying to remember the trailer I saw) you get a call and then you die somehow? I guess the writers saw The Ring and jumped to the good parts?
The reason why The Ring was successful was because it was actually a scary film. The girl coming out of the TV, and killing you? That is the element that modern horror movies need; that scare factor. Nowadays, its all “Big slow guy with a weapon (usually a chainsaw) and a dumb broad meeting…” The chainsaw thing started with Leatherface and the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Sadly, that movie suffered both fates; having sequels made and becoming a comedy film, and then being remade for the younger folks…Don’t think it’s a comedy? Watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 with the late Dennis Hopper…”I am the lord of the harvest” was the funniest line ever in cinema, and then they proceeded to follow up that gem with another series of sequels. One starred the Sawyer family in a chili cook-off; the father was disqualified when it was found out that his recipe had bones in it…somehow Leatherface gets a metal leg…one starred Rene Zellewager (or however you pronounce it) and Matthew McConehey (again, can’t spell it). The original film worked because it hadn’t been done before. The remakes where shit, but because they where made from my favorite horror movie, I had to see them. Again, they trashed it. Again, they gave too much story to the damn movie; who the hell watches a horror movie and thinks ‘Gee, this movie needs an origin story for this killer”!? I will say this about the movie, however: It was nice to see R. Lee Ermy in something other than a Drill Instructor. Aside from that, it was shit.

Now, as a man in his mid twenties, I have to point out that I still like a good scare. Recently, I discovered an internet phenomenon called “Creepypasta” . Now, when i say that I discovered it recently, I mean that i actually spent some time looking up these things. I was familiar with BEN Drowned and Jeff the Killer, but never actually bothered to read up on them. They’d creep up on the internet here and there, and I looked at the photos and wondered “What the fuck is wrong with Link?” I must admit that I read them at night and sometimes, they creep into the back of my mind. Sometimes, I’d hear a noise and jokingly wonder if it’s Jeff, or one of the other Creepypasta fellows, however one that grabbed me and didn’t let go was a story entitled “The Russian Sleep Experiment”. I won’t ruin for anyone who has yet to discover the story, but it did make me think twice about the government and the sleep studies I read about. Another that got me was the one sometimes called “Drip Drip Drip”. That one did give me a scare, solely because mama has a small dog…

In the world of Creepypasta, it’s not all scares, however. Some, like the “Lost Episodes” sets, are just plain weak. The story entitled “Squidward’s Suicide”, “Dead Bart”, “Mickey’s Suicide (or Suicide mouse)” are just asinine. In Dead Bart, it is supposed to be a haunted (aren’t they all) episode that Matt Groening created sometime in the first season, but it never aired and was destroyed, yet somehow a copy exists online. It is supposed to be booby-trapped with a virus but you can still burn the file to a disk (?) and watch it somehow. In the “lost episode” it had a scene where, at the episode’s climax, you could see all the guest stars (at this point in the series, they had none) from the future, and they all died on the same day. Now, that presents an issue for me. 1, how did Matt know who would be famous, or how did he know the show would be popular? 2, how did they all die on the same day? Did he plan some new reunion episode for the show? Total bullshit. The “haunted” video game series o Creepypasta, stories like BEN Drowned, Lost Silver (from Pokemon fame) are total shit, simply because if there is a problem with the game, like, for instance a glitch that allegedly makes the game haunted, why wouldn’t you just shut it off? In the Pokemon game, you are supposed to fight Red from the first series of Pokemon games. Eventually, you lose your arms and legs, and become a ghost…..right. There is another about Lavender Town, but at the time I’m posting this, I have yet to read it, or care enough about it to bother. But from what I read, it is supposed to make the player commit suicide. Again, I stress that I have not read it, so if I’m wrong, who cares, but if the suicide thing is true, it must be very slow, given that I’ve played, beaten, and replayed those games since I was ten, and have yet to commit suicide…
Jeff the Killer. While the photo is creepy, if you read, or watch the stories on YouTube, and apply the simple thing of logic, you will simply see that it is shit. See, in the story, he was bullied, and, according to the story on the official Creepypasta website, he was set on fire and “became a walking inferno” when he is doused with bleach and vodka. Now, this is where it gets to be fun. See, bleach is not flammable, and it would dilute the vodka. Now, lets pretend that he was set on fire. If he was, his clothes (the white hoodie and black slacks) would have burned and adhered to his skin. Supposing he survived that, his vocal chords would have been toasted and he couldn’t utter his trademark “Go to sleep”. Now there’s the matter of his smile. If he cut his mouth to have a smile like that of The Joker, he wouldn’t be able to talk at all without the sheer pain that comes with tearing your muscles. Why he cut his eyelids off is beyond me, something about him wanting to see his face all the time, was it? Then we get to his recovery…it was WAY to fast for a person who had his entire body burned…not to mention, his hair would have gone from a brown color to non-existent, as hair is the first thing to go ….
There is still the matter of my favorite Creepypasta, Laughing Jack. Now, admittedly, I am not a fan of clowns; not scared of them, just not a fan. I did, however enjoy this story, even if it has a few plot holes. Like, for instance, how he became “Laughing Jack”. What happened to him to make him a deranged clown who kills children?
Smile.dog, Smile.jpg or Smile Dog is another one that I like, warts and all. In it, there is supposed to be a “cursed” file of a demonic dog who is smiling (with a hand in the photo that has never been explained) and if you don’t “Spread the word” you will be haunted by his image every time you close your eyes until you do. In the story, a man wants to talk to a lady about it, but she has a change of heart and tells him to leave, only to email him some time later and share her story and the “cursed” file with him. He has a quandary; can he share the file with others and “Spread the word” as per the request? Yes, yes he can.
Getting back to Jeff the Killer for a moment. According to the internet, the photo is real, not real in the since that it is of a real killer, but of a photoshopped girl who was bullied, hid in her closet to kill herself. The photo was posted, mocked and photoshopped to become that of the meme of Jeff the Killer. I do not know if her committing suicide is true, but, it is the internet, after all.

Here’s hoping that Hollywood can make a decent movie again.

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A rite of passage

In Movies on May 26, 2013 at 11:00 PM

As boys grow and become men, there are certain rites that they partake in. For some, the act of getting a license to drive, or shooting an animal is that rite. For me and my dad, that, passage was George Lucas’ Star Wars.

One night some twenty odd years ago, my dad asked a five year old me if I wanted to watch a movie with space aliens, robots, and light-swords; what five year old would say no to that? I could read, but not very well, so my dad read the opening crawl to me. Once I saw the Star Destroyer shooting at Princess Leia’s ship, like most kids who saw it in the theaters, I wad hooked! When Vader came abord and demanded the plans, well he was gravy! My mother was sure that he would give me nightmares, but I was facinated! Seeing the Lightsaber for the first time in Ben’s hand and then watching the Death Star explode, I was wishing that,i could fly,an X-Wing just like Luke. As I grew up, however I fell out with the franchise. The merchandise grew while my love dwindled. My dad always held out hope, despite my telling him that it was never going to happen. Hey, I was thirteen, and I wanted to watch girls, ok.

Fast forward a few years, and Episode One came back. I watched it, but was disinterested in it. I saw The Clone Wars, with the same result. My father passed away, and mama asked if I wanted the Star Wars movies just because of my dad. I said sure, with the intent to keep them, but never watch them. Well, one night while facing boredom, I decided that it would be a good idea to see how Darth Vader was created. I reached over to grab my copy of Revenge of the Sith, and by the end I was in awe again, and wishing that I had one more day, just to watch this my dad. I went back and watched the series in order from The Phantom Menace to Return of the Jedi, all in one week! Needless to say, I was hooked!

I decided to pass this rite down to my nephew, as I have no kids. He loves the games because he gets to electrocute the bad guys, and use his Lightsaber to cut them down. Like most five year olds, he loves Darth Vader, why, I do nit know, but so did I at his age! He loves playing Angry Birds Star Wars, and I was going to let him watch his first Star Wars movie. He. Fell. Asleep. Before the end of the credits! The. Beginning. Crawl! Fear not, as I will be trying again in the future!

Well, I must admit that I was pleased with the Clone Wars TV series, even if other people thought that it was dumb. I enjoyed it, but everyone’s different. I was not pleased with the news that Disney, the most evil company on the planet bought the company for a few billion dollars. I blogged about it, if you recall… And u was even more displeased when they announced that due to the new movies coming out, they where canceling the Clone Wars series. The least they could do is end the Maul and Kenobi line, but noooooooo! Disney wants to put out three new movies and then stand alone movies for the next hundred years! I am excited that new movies will be made, yet I am not as happy as I was when the world thought that Episode 3 was it. I hope that Disney can, and will do the films right. I hope that the films released by Marvel (another Disney company) are the mark.

May The Force be with you, dear readers

007

In Movies on May 24, 2013 at 5:22 AM

What is up with the latest Bond franchises? It would appear as though MGM, the studio responsible for the 007 movies has lost their way. As I watch the movies, I am no longer in awe of the action, nor am I excited to see the action unfold. I am, however in live with the beautiful Bond Girls, but recently, story wise, its been….less than stellar. For one, I get that the new set are prequel films that set up the story leading to Dr. No. What I don’t get is how M is a female, when Dame Judy Dench didn’t become M until after Bernard Goldberg died, just before Goldeneye was produced. How can she be the first, and last M? That’s just physically impossible, unless Daniel Craig is going to remake all of the previous films…….

Odd Job was the greatest villain simply because if that bowler with the razor edged brim. I wanted that hat since since I wad ten, and still want to cut the heads from statues, despite what they claimed on Mythbusters. Goldfinger was a fantastic movie, and a great story.

Speaking of story, it seems as though the Bond films have decided to blow their budgets on car chases and explosions, rather than plot or storyline. Goldeneye was the final, plot driven movie in the franchise, or so it would appear to me.

Olga (I can’t spell her last name) did a great job as the latest Bond Girl; well she fit the mold anyhow. Beautiful, exotic, tall, thin…etc…. I do enjoy the puns in the previous films. Puns such as Pussy Galore, Plenty O’Toole Xena Onnatopp, and so forth…Xena being my favourite!

The cars are of course top of the line British sports cars, just decked out with machine guns and rocket launchers and other gadgets that make it nowhere near street legal in any country, but then again, being a 00 Agent with a License To Kill is not exactly legal, either…

When they decided to go with a blond actor named Daniel Craig, people complained. They said “A blond Bond? Please!” He apparently did a fantastic job, otherwise MGM wouldn’t have banked the franchise on him. When they made him switch from his shaken, not stirred martini to a beer, people complained…but Heineken made a jillion dollars from advertising, so the fans just have to stick with it, I suppose. I for one, didn’t complain, mainly because I haven’t cared to watch a Bond film since I lost interest after The World is Not Enough. That movie was enough to turn me off of Bond all together. Not to mention the tie-in video game was a waste, but I digress.

Bond still has the potential to be great, even if they have scrapped the idea of humanizing him like they did in On Her Majesty’s Royal Service. That one saw George Lazenby as Bond in his only 007 film, and he took a wife. Sure he was offered money, but he turned down the money and MARRIED FOR LOVE! When she was killed, Bond actually allowed himself a tear! That was the only “human” movie and moment our 00 Agent ever had. Why people hated that film, I will never know. Hell, Moonraker sucked eggs, and people loved Roger Moore? I lost interest in that movie when every creature in one scene did a double take! My father said that in the book, Moonraker had nothing to do with Space, but seeing as Star Wars made a tonne of money…..every movie in that year HAD TO have a space theme…..not to mention, the second greatest Bond villain, Jaws found love and spoke…what the hell, man? Great villains don’t need love and certainly don’t need to speak! Thank God Odd Job just grunted!

Ever notice how each movie in a franchise needs more baddies than the previous film? TWINE had Zukouzsky (or however you spell it), Sophie Marceau’s character, the thug with the gol?den teeth….. Goldeneye had Xena, Alec, Ouromouv, and once again, Zoukovzky. A little much, but Natalia made up for it… Goldfinger had Pussy Galore, Goldfinger (duh) and the aforementioned Odd Job. I can’t reneger which, but one of the Bond films had a villain named Tee-hee. Not complaining, but I do enjoy the name!

The stunts are also a bit much now. Hell Roger Moore jumped over several gators to escape, where Sean Connery just shot, or fought his way out. I believe it was Tomorrow Never Dies that saw Bond and his soon to be suitor jump a motorcycle in to a window. Who thinks of these things? I for one, liked the jet ski that was in one film.

The merchandising is also lacking. It seems that EA, in their bid to ruin video games have decided to make Bond Games just to rake in the money. Rogue Agent, Agent Under Fire, Nightlife, all terrible games. Goldeneye was the last great Bond game. I’m sure that whatever Craig’s third 00 movie will be will have a video game tie-in, and I’m equally, if not moreso sure that it will suck.

Now on to actors that have portrayed our loveable, killing, fighting, womanizer. Sean Connery left because he felt he was being typecast. Well, MGM gave him a lot of money and they remade Thunderball, and called it Never Say Never. I have already talked about Geroge Lazenby, but he gets another shoutout because it’s my blog, and I can do that. Roger Moore left after a handful of awful movies because he felt that he was too old to play the character. Timothy Dalton played 007 in a few decent movies in the later half of the 80’s or early 90’s. When he left, they found Pierce Brosnon, who in my opinion was the last good actor to play the role. As I have mentioned, I haven’t watched them after TWINE, so I cannot say yay or nay on Daniel Craig, but I do like a man who drinks his Heineken. Hopefully it’s neither shaken, nor stirred!

The two actors who made up the Q Division where both great. John Clease and Desmond Llewellyn where great and Q and R respectively, but none will replace Jack Wade, the CIA agent who helped Bond while in Cuba in Goldeneye. He was funny, and he had the oppertunity to drive Bond’s decked out Aston Martin!

I hope that someone at MGM will see this blog and make a GOOD bond film again. They have the talent pool of all of Hollywood to choose from. I’m sure that SOMEONE there can think of a good, plot driven, yet action and gadget packed story for 007 to get into…..right? Hell, hire some animators and make a comouter-generated Bond film for all I care, just make it ggood and entertaining!

Movies aren’t entertaining

In Movies, Rants on February 16, 2013 at 4:16 AM

As I sit her penning this entry, I cannot help but wonder if Hollywood gas run out of original ideas. This is not a new trend, as Hollywood has always taken one media and made it into a movie. The greatest movie, Casablanca, was a stage play that got ok reviews, and the producers bought the Riggs to make a movie from it.

The major complaint that I have is this: Hollywood is relaunching old franchises and trying to make new ones. Brandon Routh was supposed to be the new Superman, but after Superman Returns failed, he was never seen again. This year, the folks over at DC Comics are trying it again…….and from what I have read, I will not be anticipating this movie. Another failed venture was Friday the 13th. The Jason Vorhees Slasher piece was great in the 80’s but bombed when they took that kid from Supernatural (who no one bought as a teen) and pairs him with Willa Ford and threw them into Camp Crystal Lake. If they had bothered to watch the original, they would’ve known that Jason’s mother was the original killer, and we didn’t see Jason until the end of he first movie. Not to mention that he didn’t get his trademarked hockey goaltender’s mask until the third movie …..

Hollywood also tried to take television shows and tried (and failed) to make them into movies, none of which had any connection to the original source material. The Dukes of Hazzard is one that springs to mind. In the original, Bo and Luke where on probation for running shine (illegal grain alcohol) and Uncle Jessie somehow got the feds to take that probation in exchange for not arresting the family. In the movie, Bert Reynolds played Boss Hogg. Already a disaster of a casting idea. Bert is well over six feet tall, whereas Sorrell Brooke was maybe five and a half feet tall. The idiot who played Roscoe was a bastard who I’m sure was a racist; the original Roscoe P. Coltrane was a bumbling idiot, but was a fun guy. Not to mention Catherine Bach was the fantastic Daisy Duke, and casting Jessica Simpson because he had double D cup titties was horrible…she cannot act, nor sing.
The Honeymooners, Josie and the Pussycats, Scooby-Doo, Get Smart, 21 Jumpsrreet, The Munsters, Starship Troopers, all where horrible films; all bombed at the box office. Its as if Hollywood decided to watch TV and make movies from a thirty second clip.

Remakes, or “reboots” as Hollywood called them are worse. Anyone remember the Johnny Depp abortion “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”? Didn’t think so. The Tom Cruise War of the Worlds was horrid; no explaination for how the martions got on Earth, no real character development. It’s as if they said “Tom Cruise and aliens. Orsen Wells is dead, lets do it!”. Pass.

Even their original ideas are piss-poor. Take for instance Independance Day staring Will Smith. My father and I watched it just to make fun of how bad it is. My father had the right thought when he said “Who the fuck is the idiot who thought that Will Smith and aliens where a good match?” Will should’ve stayed with his Auntie and uncle in Bell-Air…

Hollywood us back to making comics into movies. They started with the Batman serials in the 40’s and it looked to be halted until DC made Superman I. The first Superman was fantastic, as was the second one. That is when they should’ve stopped, but they made three and four…..Richard Pryor and Christopher Reeves was not a good casting. Both where fantastic actors in their seperate fields, but putting them together? No. Iron Man with Robert Downey Jr. was a great film, but do to the producer’s decision to cut Terrence Howard from the film made me decide not to watch it. The great Batman franchise almost died when they made Batman Forever and decided to make Batman and Robin… Nipples on the Batsuit, anyone? Luckily for us, Christopher Nolan came around and made the franchise work. Not bad for a remake… Spiderman was a great film. Spiderman one, that is. Two was OK, whereas three killed the franchise so quickly, that it cursed the Broadway play named after it! They are “Rebooting” the series with another guy soon….. Daredevil and Elektra where both flops, no matter how good Jennifer Garner looked in leather … The first attempt at the Hulk, the one directed by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon director Ang Lee was so bad that Mr. Lee is no longer making American films, and I can only guess that he is hiding in the Orient somewhere hoping people forgot him. The Fantastic Four was bad, despite having Jessica Alba as Sue Storm and Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom. Michael Chickless as The Thing was not very good, either. His acting wasn’t bad, just his suit looked faked! Marvel and Hollywood tried in the 70’s to make The Fantastic Four and Captain America, but thankfully neither saw the light of day!

Hopefully some day, Hollywood can make a new, ORIGINAL film that will hold the audience’s attention…but my crystal ball does not hold that answer

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